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June 13, 2004
Life's Lessons
As I reflect on my life I sometimes wonder how others see me and what they think about me. Actually I know this isn’t all that important in defining who I am I but at the same time I have to wonder if I project what I really am and who I am under my facade of strength and constant positive attitudes. So I think back to where I have come from and where I thought I wanted to go and now the constant question of where I will end up.
Long while back I began my journey of remembering who I was or, should I say finding out who I was, because though others said to me I only had to remember, I am not sure I ever really knew. See I spent most of my life running away from something or running to something and never seeing what was in front of me. And when God sends me just what I need, my ego comes onto the scene or I begin to listen to what others would do and everything goes haywire.
Some have told me to move ahead with my life and not worry about finding “love” but play the field or just live life to the fullest alone. When I heard this concept I thought it was a pretty good one especially after a failed marriage and divorce. This really sounds as if all I think about is finding the “right one” and it isn’t that at all. I found out a long time ago that “playing the field” or simply finding “someone” was NOT ME at all. This is where I wonder if others think that is all I am about? And I have found out that I do not want to settle for less than the best kind of love simply to have someone around. Honestly, I think that is the worst kind of loneliness.
Funny, but my journey to find me led me around the globe. I laughed at myself one day and told my sister that it looked like I COULD find myself closer to home but oh no I had to travel halfway around the world. Actually, that is how I learned to remember but not because of the places I have been but because of the people I met while there.. And it is funny when they tell me about myself and tell me that I am good person, I find it hard to believe. Sounds like I am begging for compliments doesn’t it? Well, that is not the case at all, just me trying to be completely honest with myself. See, it seems when I do a good deed I seem to negate it out in my mind by thinking some bad thought. This is a constant battle in my mind and makes me think sometimes I am going mad. Is it hormones? GOD I hope so.
Well, I have learned in the process, that when we ask God for something we better be prepared to get it because he does deliver. What I seem to forget most times is that if I am not ready to receive his blessings with an open mind and love in my heart, and try to take control myself, then that is when trouble comes. See, my mind does funny things to me and I start to call things into my life that are not good because I project or demand or push or expect.
What I have learned, and yes I really do know this, just try to control it sometimes, that the most important thing to remember is that life happens. Some times things go wrong and some times things go right. What I have to concentrate on is that no matter what, I will be ok. If I can stop putting time limits on other people or things and concentrate on the end and having the faith that I will prevail, then I can say I have put what I know to practice. For me, there is nothing else that matters but love. God showed me the way and my faith in the human spirit and HIM will never fail.
Thank you Lord, for always standing by my side and never letting me down. Thank you for sending your angels to watch over me and sending special ones to hold my hand along this journey. Thank you for being patient when I don’t appreciate the blessings I have or turn a cold heart to them.
To those I have hurt please forgive me. To those who I have turned a deaf ear to when you needed someone to listen, please forgive me. To those who were in pain and I didn’t see yours but only mine and hurt you more, please forgive me. To those who I put on MY TIME schedule forgetting you have your own, please forgive me. And Lord, please forgive me for not letting you lead. God bless you all.
Posted by nancy at June 13, 2004 08:09 AM
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