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July 24, 2004
Walking Toward the Light
Recently I have found myself in a mental state which felt like a prison. Not happy with anything going on in my life and being so angry by circumstances beyond my control. (Notice the word control here.) In short I have been so angry that I took my frustrations out on others around me and the ones closest to me. Perhaps not in words as much as actions. My body language and tone of voice made the people I loved the most so miserable. Well, I was miserable so why not them as well right? None of this was a conscious effort but more of a transformation that had begun to take place.
You know, I have always known I was a believer and was raised in the church but in the past few years have not really felt connected or surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. You see I thought I could “control” everything and everyone around me which is a lesson I could talk about intellectually. As long as I could call out to God when I needed HIM, I felt I was doing the right thing and I was ok. I have been angry with the church where I belonged and the people there. Good excuse as any I suppose but this anger has poisoned my thoughts about church and organized religion for a long time.
Oh I prayed yes, and at times would have fleeting feelings of total love but the enemy was sitting right beside me and kept telling me that I wasn’t worthy of love nor was I smart enough, pretty enough, stable enough, rich enough or whatever I felt wasn’t enough to have what we all deserve.
The worst part in this self doubt is the doubt I began to have of the people that loved me the most. See, I began to think they were only using me for what they could get from me and couldn’t possibly love me for me. How could they when I didn’t love me either??
Funny how my life was spiriling out of control again and I thought I had come so far. Well I have, but not far enough. A few years ago I went on a sojourn alone to far away places and while I felt a closeness to God there I didn’t completly surrender to HIM nor did I totally profess to live my life for his will and what HE wanted me to do. Not to say all was lost because this journey took me half way around the world to the birthplace of the oldest religions in the world. INDIA It was there my spirituality was awakened and while talking to my dear friends Amit, Allan, Maureen, and Joe I began to realize my journey had only just begun and I had more learning to do. One problem, I didn’t continue after I returned but sort of got stuck on the same old unresolved issues.
Have you ever really just gotten so sick of yourself and the negativity that you get desparate for change? Well last week I got to that point so late at night I began to pray and call out to God to help me and to take away this terrible pain and helplessness I was feeling. I had heard of people hearing God’s voice and feeling his presence but I had never experienced it myself so I prayed to have some kind of sign from HIM that he could hear me. Basically, I asked for his guidance and proof HE was really there. After crying myself to sleep and a fitful night, I wasn’t prepared for what happened the next morning.
When I got up, I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth but never got that far. On the floor was a book I had been reading. While not everything in this book do I believe so much, they helped me to begin my search and readings again. As I opened the book that morning, a scripture jumped out from the pages that morning from 1st Corinthians 13:13 “Now abide faith, hope, and love, these three. And the greatest of them is love.”
Right at that precise moment, God’s love filled my heart and rushed over me with the warmth of angels wings fluttering so softly on my skin. And his voice spoke to my heart and said that I had the gift of writing and talking so beautifully but they were only words without love in my heart. At that moment I had no more doubts about the true love I had been searching for all my life. GOD does love me and he has sent his son to tell me so. Thank you Jesus.
My first priority are my children and especially the youngest who needs me the most right now to SHOW him love. Through my guidance and model I must show them the way back to the Lord. I will pray for them and let HIM work his miracles in them. And about a church. Well God said you don’t have to believe in the church doctrine 100% but what you need now is a church family. I will let him guide me to the right one for me.
I have come to realize that anger is only fear with a voice and the things I fear the most will manifest themselves if I hold on to them long enough. So letting go and letting God take over is the only way. He brings us nothing but angels and gives us nothing but miracles. And I have so many.
As for that “special” person. He is already there and I am waiting.
Posted by nancy at July 24, 2004 07:53 AM
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